2023 was imagined to be an excellent 12 months for actress Hayden Panettiere.
The Amber Alert star, who for years had struggled with medicine and alcohol dependancy, was clear and sober after spending time at an in-patient rehab facility in early 2020. She was additionally single, popping out of an abusive on-and-off relationship together with her ex-boyfriend and was grateful to be again at work on Scream 6.
Then, simply three weeks earlier than the movie's premiere in February 2023, the unthinkable occurred: Her beloved youthful brother Jansen died unexpectedly of an undiagnosed coronary heart situation at simply 28. Panettiere's world was shattered.
“He was my solely sibling, and it was my job to guard him,” she tells PEOPLE in a brand new interview for this week's cowl story. “When I lost him, I felt like I lost half of my soul.”
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Panettiere, 35, quickly determined she did not need to go away the home, particularly after being adopted by photographers within the days after his demise.
“I had to see horrific paparazzi pictures of myself coming out of Jansen’s funeral, which happened in a very private place, and it was shocking,” she says. “My agoraphobia came out, which is something I’ve struggled with in the past.”
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Compounding her grief, Panettiere’s physique bodily reacted to the shock, and inside days she turned nearly unrecognizable. “I just ballooned out,” she says of the fast weight achieve she skilled.
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She says the “stress and cortisol” going by means of her physique resulted within the change, which diminished her self-worth. “I didn’t really feel assured to placed on garments and get out of the home, however I additionally knew that I wanted to get out and maintain shifting or I’d by no means cease feeling and looking this manner,” she says.
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Adding, “It became a destructive hamster wheel of, do I feel good enough to go out?”
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She wished to get again to work however needed to discover the braveness to get out of her rut. When her publicist launched her to private coach Marnie Alton final 12 months, she says every part modified for the higher.
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Panettiere began slowly coaching with Alton, with whom she shared a right away belief and connection. She particularly beloved the lengthy walks they'd take, the place they'd simply discuss and Panettiere would share her tales from the previous.
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“These long, beautiful walks where we could vent and it would be this therapy session,” she says. “Marnie empowered me.” The endorphins Panettiere was getting from burning fats elevated her temper, too.
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“My body just started reacting, not just from the working out. It allowed me to release the stress, the high expectations I’d always put on myself,” she says. As her insecurities light, so did her agoraphobia. “There’s nothing like looking in the mirror and feeling like you look good enough to walk out the door,” she says.
She's nonetheless studying learn how to stay with loss however explains the brand new perspective she gained following Jansen's demise. “When one thing that large has occurred to you, you actually be taught to select your fights and simply not let the little issues upset you,” she shares. “Because as soon as one thing so horrific, so deep, so catastrophic occurs in your life, there's not a lot that may actually rock you.”
Though she's wanting ahead to the discharge of her new film Amber Alert (in theaters Sept. 27) she's principally simply grateful that she's feeling increasingly like herself every single day. That doesn't suggest she's healed from the trauma of Jansen's demise, or ever will likely be.
“I will always be heartbroken about it. I will never be able to get over it,” she says. “No matter how many years go by, I will never get over his loss.”
To learn extra about Hayden Panettiere's life now, choose up the most recent problem of PEOPLE, on stands Friday.
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